Please note that the twat should not be confused with their silly but benign near-namesake, the twit. Totally different beasts.
In the course of an online meander, I came across a link to a Reddit conversation whose contents suggested that on average, “normal” people in the UK, are now 68.75% more likely to encounter a twat in some aspect of our daily life, than we were at the start of the millennium.
More militant voices in the thread declared that “we normals” needed to push back more aggressively against the near epidemic levels of rabid, unfettered twattery dominating UK society. They demanded it was everyone’s moral duty to “twout” (out a twat), anyone they suspected of having even the slightest of twat tendencies, “for the greater good of society and our sanity.”
I rarely give the myriads of bonkers conspiracy theories flying around the internet a second thought, but this one really struck a chord with me. TWAT™ does increasingly appear to be the default setting of an alarmingly high number of people these days. I wondered if there was any evidence available that might actually support the assertions made on Reddit, and of course, the anecdotal observation of this increasingly cynical man of a certain age.
Not wanting to waste too much time on the question, I thought this would a perfect opportunity to make use of the much-vaunted research tools of Google’s AI feature, Gemini. I cheerily asked whether there was any proof of a substantial spike in the twat to non-twat ratio in the UK, since the year 2000.
A haughty female voice rebuked me for asking such a puerile question, adding that deigning to answer it would be a waste of their immense intelligence. It was suggested that I go away and evolve a bit more before contacting Gemini again. In the meantime, I should address similar lines of questioning to less sophisticated AI services like Copilot or Chat GTP.
Humbled by a top-grade AI resource’s admonishment, I decided to abandon the use of artificial intelligence and do some research off my own bat. I went for a pee and decided that there were probably three possible causes for the increasing numbers of twats I come across. The first was environmental.
Whenever I need an answer to a complex scientific question or an intellectual conundrum quickly, my first port of call is always the BBC Bitesize website. Although the service is there to help young people revise for their SATs and GCSE exams, I find its factually based, largely unbiased content, very informative and relatively easy to understand.
So, off I popped to its GCSE Geography pages. A quick perusal of their definition of greenhouse gases revealed what I have long suspected; the depletion of the ozone layer has led to a huge increase in noxious T-gasses or twatinates largely, although not exclusively, in the English eco system. These would of course, have had a massively negative impact on regional twat levels. Information on a page in the Key Stage 3 Science section made the alarming revelation that twats themselves are now pumping more twatinates into the environment through their unfiltered faecal oral emissions.
Although I was delighted with the swift progress my initial delving into the sources of increased twattery had made, my gut feeling was that these environment factors had occurred over an extended period of time and therefore could not realistically, be solely responsible for the most recent spikes in twattery.
This led me to wonder what boosts the Covid-19 pandemic might have given to an already thriving twat population. I am casually acquainted, socially, with an ex-twat, or rather, a twat in remission. With the proviso of maintaining their anonymity, they* were prepared to share details with me of some of the things that their community had got up to during the pandemic.
“Rather than use the lockdown as an opportunity to detox and flush out some of the twatinates from our systems,” they said, “we twats doubled down and instead flocked to online “twat rooms”. Here, unfettered by the constraints of society, we were able to cross-pollinate remotely and spawn new, more aggressive strains of our ilk.”
This made perfect sense. There is an old adage that goes: “twat begets twat!”
I thought that science backed proof was needed to add some gravitas to the anecdotal information I had received. The NHS website’s description of Long Covid symptoms reinforces the likelihood of people exhibiting symptoms of long-term twattery in our daily lives.
A third contributory factor I considered, seemed a little fanciful at first, but plausible nonetheless. Hostile external forces bent on destabilizing this country are pouring more resources into their UK twat creation and recruitment programmes. A fifth column of twattery, if you will.
I wondered if the government had a take on this. The UK government website pretty much confirms my suspicions. Its downloadable factsheet on malign activity by Russia’s counter-intelligence service the FSB (formerly the KGB) is not the most exciting of reads, so I didn’t make it past the first page. However, the term “twat” did not appear in the index, but we all know the Russians will have had something to do with it at some point, defo.
Believe it or not, I acquired this copy of a Vladimir Putin’s “to do list” on Ebay. The seller, a Bulgarian plasterer named Vladislav, claimed he briefly worked as возбудитель or “ fluffer” to the Kremlin supremo in the early 2010s, and took the booklet in lieu of payment.
On the surface these doodles appear playful and hint at Vlad P’s laddish sense of humour. Closer scrutiny however, suggests a much darker side to the Kremlin’s hard man.
If further proof is required, here’s a recent example of the mainstream media’s use of subliminal advertising to normalize twats. Ballerina Barry clearly exhibits lifelong full-twat credentials, yet somehow, he owns a very comfortable looking house and has a wife. Her reaction to his post-phone call behaviour confirms her own membership of the twathood and explains why they are married.
I would venture to suggest that Barry voted Reform UK in his local elections. In his defence, although light on his feet, Barry does not strike me as someone who likes to give lamp-posts and mini-roundabouts a patriotic zhuzh.
Conclusion
So, there you have it; there is ample source material available to support both the claims on Reddit and my own suspicions of a proliferation of twat numbers over the last few years.
Postscript
When referring to twats in the singular, I now use the non-gender specific “they” as the third person singular pronoun, instead of the conventional he / she. Historically the term “twat” had largely been male specific. Times however have changed and contemporary twats can now be found across the whole gender-identity spectrum. If this really bothers you, you too have most likely crossed over to the twat-side.
It is also worth noting that the twat community lacks any sense of self-awareness; most suffer from twat-blindness, rendering them oblivious to both their own and other twats’ twattery.
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